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A Lost Language

In Search of an Altruistic Communication

By Carolyn Chon

December 17^th, 2021

It was an ordinary night in 2013, the only thing that wasn't ordinary was that I was to go pick up a new member of our family. I remember that it was hard on one of his former parent. Of course it was. You give love and you get unconditional love in return, how is it ever easy to give that up?

When we got back to my place, it was evident he was confused and fearful of what was happening. It took me and another two girls maybe half an hour or an hour before we got him out of the car. To be honest, I was worried about what could happen if I had carried him out against his will.

For two weeks, he slept in the toilet before he finally realised and accepted that he was in a new place called home. He was probably around two and a half years old then, when he was forced to move into a new home, with new parents and a new sibling. It was probably the hardest and most confusing experience in his life.

When you can't communicate your feelings, what do you do?

Rocky

I definitely wouldn't have named him Rocky if I had gotten him as a puppy because this handsome boy of mine, is the biggest stud muffin. Tough and macho on the outside, but the biggest sweetheart inside. He's the best one of the three in terms of protecting the house, the one with the cutest excited jumps, the one with the weird slow motion walk, the one that would probably climb inside your body if he were able to, that's how strongly he would show affection. He's the best one to play fetch with, the one that doesn't bark unnecessarily like his siblings, the one that would push his way through to be pet if you were petting his siblings, the one that can't swim, the fastest sprinter, the one with the most kills, the one that was the coolest and calmest when out for walks, the one where our hands would hurt if we smacked his bum, the one that gets most excited for a bath.

The one who would run outside and bark when asked "who's a good boy?". The funniest reaction to that question, really.

How can I let him know for real, that he's the good boy?

My porkster was diagnosed with PKD perhaps sometime late 2019, he was doing pretty alright up until around the pandemic hit. Daily drips were required, he probably also hated his renal food that was prescribed to him. The pandemic was definitely a blessing in disguise as we were with all the doggos 24/7 during the lock-down.

The Farewell

Rocky left on a rainy day, just like my dog from before. I suspect that's a sign for when heaven's gates are opened to welcome the purest of souls.

It was September 2020 when Rocky left, I started this draft in August 2020 and today, December 17th 2021 on a cold, rainy morning, it is time to finally wrap this post up.

Of all the people and doggos I've loved and lost, Porky Pie is the only one I have dreams of every now and then. I suspect it must be the Rocky shaped hole left in my heart. Oh, how I miss you dear boy.

GRADUATION

He looked at me with benevolent eyes, unsure of my intentions and probably couldn't read nor smell my hesitation. Half an hour seemed like two forevers with trepidation. May it be known that love without condition didn't come naturally. Try as I did, with actions that occasionally lacked compassion. He looks at me with benevolent eyes, with his expressionless face. He looks at me with benevolent eyes, just wanting some affection. He looks at me with benevolent eyes, indicating he doesn't need any space. He looks at me with benevolent eyes, loving me with no conditions. Gone is the benevolence when we said goodbye. A cloudy shade of altruism took over when he breathed his last breath. Thank you for your benevolence that graduated into altruism. My heart is comforted that all dogs go to heaven.